Why is it life always comes a full circle? I remember PP had mocked fun at me. I owe her no hard feelings, since. However, today i realize what a ride she has been taken on. Maybe love indeed has these strange Harry Potter rides, which never really are what they seem to be.

Do You ?

Do you take chances?

Do you win?

Do you live your dream?

Do you dare?

Do you snatch the beam?

Do you try?

Do you give up?

Do you crack?

Do you measure?

Do you have the knack?

Do you weaken?

Do you strike?

Do you go fragile?

Do you feel?

Do you go in exile?

Do you mourn?

Do you regret?

Do you desire?

Do you yearn?

Do you inspire?

Do you fire?

Do you breathe?

Do you inhale?

Do you conceal?

Do you believe in a fairy tale?

Do you open your arms?

Do you run?

Do you welcome?

Do you want to be?

Do you not believe in a modicum?

Do you want to be a hero?

Do you fight?

Do you struggle?

Do you scream?

Do you wear the coat of the eagle?

Do you express?

Do you wink?

Do you kiss?

Do you sneak in?

Do you not want to go amiss?

Do you marvel?

Do you astonish?

Do you wonder?

Do you forsake?

Do you want to be an absconder?

Do you stick?

Do you stink?

Do you snob?

Do you bicker?

Do you yearn to be the heartthrob?

Do you love?

Do you smile?

Do you care?

Do you grumble?

Do you think all is fair?

Do you think?

Do you ponder?

Do you now bid adieu?

Do you live?

Do you?

Ripples on the water

It’s weird sometimes when you feel you have so much to do, and yet you do nothing, you just seem to have an inclination to go back in time. Not relive, but just looking back at who I was and how I was and how everything was. It’s probably the best form of educating you about yourself. The way you’ve grown to be somebody who you are now.

Today as I stand on the threshold of yet another big step towards my graduation, I realize there are so many things I could have done different, not necessarily better. The admission test where I had to write “Twinkle Twinkle little star” and a teacher helped me then. The elation when I was first appointed monitor in the first standard and then daily lock and key games subsequently. The absolute fun masti innocent home to school and back van journeys. Admission in a new school mid-term in the third standard and getting slowly used to Kolkata life. I remember the fun filled fights of fourth and fifth standard. Early exposure to words of love and sex in sixth and seventh standards used to make us friends so hush hush and keen alerted minds. Eighth and ninth standards were spent on getting exposed to national quizzing scenarios and first crushes and basically, ‘Growing Up’. Tenth standard was more of a fun filled journey. Barring the last day, one which is forever etched in memory, when so many friends were scattered from the everyday meet forever. Tears and hugs were never lacking. Eleventh standard was when I had the then biggest fall in my life. Betrayal from a best friend to losing friends to being basically lonely and realizing this whole thing the real hard way, indeed broke and wore me down. The silver lining was I had some new friends who really have stood by me ever since. Twelfth was when I once again stood up, trying to relive the last days in school. Some friends came back realizing their folly, all in all it was a embalming of sorts. The last day of school was essentially different from the one two years back. Before it even hit that there would be no waking up at 6.30 in the morning and running to catch the bus at 7.15 and rushing to manage the traffic as a badge holder and then managing the students as captain during the prayer and then attending classes, it was over. The last day during the investiture ceremony when I broke down on stage and the photo sessions to filling juniors’ slam books to getting 7 mindboggling proposals and then all of us classmates crying together with doors closed to finally dancing and singing it out that there would be no final farewells and hugs and kisses galore. And then not faring well in the boards and entrances to taking the real tough decision to reappear for entrances a second time against everyone’s wishes and then spending a fun filled year at Asutosh, making so many friends. That was when I realized I was and could be a really good person. And then getting into my first and only relationship till date, which was blissfully beautiful. And then getting admitted to JU. Alas good things don’t last! Everything going haywire. Losing the plot and break up taking its toll on me. Probably the lowest ebb in my life. A point of time when I really contemplated and attempted suicide and failed. Nothing went right. The only thing I had left was the faith on me. Nothing else existed. Except for a few friends who made it a point to bring me back.

Today, I’ll say I am much better. It could have been worse, maybe it could’ve better too. But with age comes a certain wisdom of knowing that experiences make and mould you into a better person. I have seen low points, lower than some, and better than some. But I’ve never regretted any bit of this. I have my detractors. I have my critics. My aim is not to silence them. ‘coz I also know I don’t need to do that and prove them wrong. I know myself best. And when the need arises, as and when, I’ll prove to myself. No one else. I have never withered in the face of a challenge. And I never will. Success does not always come to the one with the most victories. Happiness does not always come to the most successful. And it’s all in the mind. If you believe, anything is possible. When you’ve scraped the bottom of the ocean bed and come back to the top battered but alive you know you can. I can.

Last Day On Earth ... Tagged

Uncertain princess tagged me on this one.

There was this message i had received once which went like: "If You found you had 24 hours to live what would you do? I'd spend 23 hours with you, and spent the last one searching for someone who'd take care of you..."

Maybe that message could speak appreciatively for lovers, bosom pals. But for a anybody, what would he do, and thats what i have to prophesise about.I'll go back in time again. I once had a chat with TR, soon after Dasvidaniya was released. We told each other about our own 10 things which we we'd like to see done before leaving for the next level.

Now, I'd really liked to finish those desires to completion. But as I reach the last day of my LIFE, I'd filled with sheer nostalgia and memories, wistfully sometimes, and the earning for freedom which I'd soon get immersed in.

It wouldn't be possible to call all friends, as many of them i have. I'd probably gather a large piece of paper, write a long letter, and name all the people who have come into my life, as much as i can remember. I'd fold it neatly and keep it on the bedside table.

I'd ask mom and dad to spend the whole day with me, but only after I'd return. I'd go the nearby post box and post a letter to my beloved, with whom I am no longer in contact. That would be my LAST EVER ATTEMPT TOWARDS YOU...IN THIS LIFE. And taking the opportunity, I'd collect a custom ordered Sari for mom(those garments are eternal favourites of mom) and the collage (bearing reminiscences of me and my life) which I'd have given for lamination.

I'd return home and have lunch with dad and mom(Chilli Chicken and Mutton Chap cooked by mom in the menu). And I'd surprise them with my gifts and fool around basically and joke out loud till all of us are literally rolling on the floor with laughter.I'd then call up a few of my treasured persons on this world, and chat just like that, without any reference or appraisal about the Last Day. I'd take my guitar and play just like that, yet again. I expect by then i can play some licks :P

And then all of a sudden I'd find the clock ticking at 11:38:45 P.M. I'd realize I got another few precious minutes. I'd go to my bedroom and steal a kiss from mom n dad and bid them good night, no goodbye, and I'd depart to my room. To go as I had come. Alone. The loneliness can be sometimes so fulfilling. I'd lie on my back, arms and legs outstretched in the form of the PENTACLE, in a final attempt to be perfect as much as i can be ever. I'd close my eyes for eternity and Goodbye ... Adios ... Ciao ... Dasvidaniya ...

P.S.:- A feeble attempt to imagine and pen down thoughts, and of a really bad literal quality...

P.S.:- This is a scheduled post.

P.S.:- I pass this tag along to 11 terrific bloggers,(in no particular order) who make me feel, "whoa! this is called creativity and expression" every single time i read their posts.

The Pink Orchid
Pratibha
Diya
Phoenix
Nidhi
Ria
Crystal
No Mute Spectator
Pseudo Intellectual
Nivi
Rh3a

Fascinations

What is our fascination with everything foreign? Why is it our inner psyche always reaches out heartily to the outsiders while indigenous home grown stunts don’t get their due. Why is it we look at ‘America’ for high level of studies? Yeah I agree the standards are pretty high there…as compared to here, but its been a helluva time which we could have utilized to bring our standards up to the mark…been a long 61+ years of independence…a long enough time to go past the’ phorens’…why isn’t that others outside would want to visit here to make it a pride of their own that they have been to india…why is it the so-called low fare tourist places is India…why isn’t it that this country can be the object of a millions of billions? Why is it that terrorist attacks in India always brand the place as too unsafe while seemingly worse situations don’t break the fame and name of western places? Why is it that Indians are made out to be weaker than their Western counterparts? Why is it that empathy goes out to the victims outside and mere sympathy to the Indians? Why is it we are looked down upon? Why is it that that Indians have to take it upon themselves to secure a hi-profile jobs in foreign shores, feeling the pinch of outsourcing and continuing threats of disbanding the outsourcing scheme,rendering thousands job-less? Why isn’t it that foreigners look to India to secure jobs and accord the country and its people the respect they so richly deserve? Why is it that the country still can’t take a decision keeping the common man in mind but only for the greed of the good-for-nothing politicians? Why is it we go crazy-hazy over every western celebrity while our own talents are grossly under-nourished? Why is it we criticize our own system of not producing the talent and efficiency? Why is it we look starry-eyed at the Oscars wondering when will an Indian get one? Why is it do we think that we don’t have that quality? Why is it we don’t make the big guns of the foreign world aim for our filmfare awards? Maybe we could set up a foreign category in filmfare awards and allow Hollywood films to apply in that category…Why is it we hocus –pocus on one failure of a sachin tendulkar while laughing aloud, without any sarcastic-ness, at the ‘bushisms’ and applaud him? Why is it we snatch the hornets out of those with the real attitude by branding him a trouble maker? Why is it so many of our past heritage is withering away while we are gaga over the new hotel in Dubai? Why is it we do all the big talk about doing the thing and end up doing nothing except just saying ”this A and B is responsible for this mishap , not me”?why is it we so terribly want to accept the proven instead of encouraging to prove the unproven?

And let me come clean. Am not a Indian basher and all others for just speaking it and not doing it. Am not criticizing our fathers for their inability to convert us into super-standard levels. If they haven’t been able to that, they have done a very important job of building the base. Its upto us to consolidate. Indians aren’t weak and you know that better than any other person would tell you. We have been ,under circumstances, dependent on the outside powers. Its time to break the shackles and break free. Its time we tower over others and leave the big talk to others. Its time to say “the buck stops with me and I’ll do the required somehow or the other to make it work”. Its time to stop calling the system a bullshit and somehow start changing ourselves to improve the system instead of leaving it for someone else. Its time we stopped listening to false political promises and untoward gains and stand up. Its time we call a spade a spade. Its time for dreams to fly. Its time to fly without wings. Its time to tell our inner souls that we are the best and bring ourselves to the forefront. Its time to call the real ‘us’ inside us and shout out and wonder “Why is it we tend to rust and weather ourself and our enormous potential leaving the fascinations to be unveiled to others?”

Faking it

Honesty is well on its way to death. All around I see fake. Its all an illusion.

 

I am pretty lonesome in thinking this way I guess. But experiences through life – recent and past have just strengthened my belief. A person behaves with another as if he is a bosom friend. Another treats a lover with ultimate sincerity. Yet another shows how benevolent he can be. All appeal to me as enormously respectable emotions. But somewhere down the line I realise , with utter shock and contempt, that I am wrong. In fact how utterly wrong can I be!

 

One person feels something in a certain way about something. He or she presents it to another person as something entirely else. And something totally different to someone somewhere else. Versions change, with situations, with persons, with contemptuous interactions. You might seem to be a so very much loved person all around until you discover, that horrible impressions and gossips have gone to great lengths about you. Again you yourself might present something in a certain fashion which is not entirely true and you are caught on the wrong foot, few people would own up to a mistake. Most would prefer to wind around the topic keeping on suggesting that he was right.

 

I appreciate those who speak their mind and who speak it aloud and true. Ruffles a few feathers, sure… but that integrity of the words do stand… I have always despised those who maintain such double standards, changing colours at the drop of a hat. But something I have believed, some vices are in-borne and some are developed with time… The from-birth ones cannot be changed, but something which I firmly believed that one could ,with high determination, change those qualities acquired with time and situations and re-convert them to better virtues, until now…somethings can never be changed…the main reason which I blame for this is the ability to fake it out. Ultimately with all the illusions which one provides to the world, the ultimate one who’s getting betrayed is the person itself. Days, months, years go by…belief’s are eroded…truths are converted into lies…and vice-versa…but in the end without being true to oneself, does one really win the game? And the big poser, does it even matter?

 

I dunno the answer but from all around the general feel I get is it does not really matter. The eternal cliched line, “life goes on”…betrayals..upheavals..lies..truths..facts..figures..honesty..integrity..sincerity..and all the abstracts abut life..nothing stays..they all get burnt out and buried..or they don’t? only death can answer that I guess…but my principles and faith, somehow there’s been a serious attack on them, unbelievingly everything seems so very fake at the moment…wish I could be faking it all..and faking it real hard…maybe the art of life itself is a fake …