Thursday, December 31, 2009
Thursday, December 10, 2009
I don’t feel like talking to people anymore. Or rather I run out of topics. Maybe people also don’t find much to talk with me.
I’ve become boring.
I’ve become unidimensional, unidirectional. I don’t believe one should do what everyone else is doing without thinking. I am not doing it either. But I’m running out of options for alternatives and my independent thoughts.
I have my focus, yet I am losing focus. And strangely it’s the lack of an objective where to focus on.
I am not being able to follow my head or my heart. I’m hanging somewhere in between.
I know what I can do. I know I don’t even have an inkling what all I can achieve. Yet, I’m strangely shunning it. I’m shunning myself from the world.
I have torn myself into a façade, yet sometimes I let my ‘self’ be looked through the looking glass by others.
I’m not in a negative mood. Trust me when I say that. I’m positive.
I’m too engrossed in thinking all I can’t do at times that I forget I can also do something.
It’s not an adolescent rant. I’m past it. It’s more of an adult child speaking where he’s suddenly lost himself, where he suddenly finds confusion and then sees the light. I’ve tried abeyance, it doesn’t help.
I know who I am. Few people do. My fault is I don’t know when to come out of the shell.
My life has been a journey of extremes. I’ve tried moderation. It doesn’t suit me.
Someone had said when I set out to do something, I do it with so much passion and fervour that I leave others far behind and fail to bring the rest to the same platform, and so the real objective fails. Yes, maybe you were right.
I’m not a loner. Yet I feel lonely most of the times now. And sometimes solitude is bliss.
I got dreams of my own which I share with none. I’d love to fulfil them. But then they require lots of heart. I haven’t been up to doing by the call of the heart in recent times.
I feel I’m a letdown at times, both to myself and others.
I used to be a joker at times. Even now I am one, albeit in a different way. I’d love to be one for life.
And yet I feel I’m lost …