Yesterday

Yesterday,

I walked a lot. It wasn't that I was thinking much. I just was blank. I talked to D. She was crying. She is in more pain when I am upset.

I am just a speck amidst millions. It felt easy to be lost in the waves of hordes of people.

I am alluded to as a mysterious wonder. Just 'cause I am neither at the top, nor at the bottom.

And on top of all, I realized how 12 words can screw one up.

And here I am, living today.

Tomorrow, today will be another yesterday.

Ode to a hope

There is no snow on the ground. It doesn't snow here. It's cold, rustic yet not harsh. I have been looking for the rain, the wet rain which would make this cold all the more worthwhile. I have been peeking out the glass windows to catch a glimpse of the dewdrops making their final journey in the dense smog. I am in the mood for an ode.




There's always something in the end
There's always nothing to begin with.
I have been found wanting to bend,
'cause the tranquil nightingale has not yet uncovered its sheath.
Shattered dreams lay by the wayside,
Hope was never in what I knew
I learnt to stand up.
Dreamer in me could no longer hide,
The coffee chuckle would now brew,
The soul inside me was a molten cup.

Sometimes you chance upon something, that something which can strike you right inside. It will cut you through and yet it won’t kill you. You will just know it’s you, in a way. I chanced upon Pablo Neruda tonight. Years back I had chanced upon Khaled Hosseini. It’s my style. It’s my pattern. Deep layered enigmatic imagery irony of emotions. I love the pieces.

I am not supposed to be awake now. I am supposed to be tired. I am teary again. I miss D. Ruffle of the hair. That way.

Standstill

One always comes to a standstill. There’s this moment in life when you will.

If you have always been involved in the rat race, then you might be braked down to a trifle at the fag end. Being a logical guy, you’d say, that’s the best thing to have happened. Being a practical guy, you’d say, you’ll have lived your life. Being just a guy, I’d say you’ve been running in the wrong direction.

If you let life pass you by, then maybe you’ll be feeling this every alternate moment. You will encounter a red light every second crossing. You will always pause to think. You will think to act. You will think to do. You will think to think. And then you will think, what actually did you think.

If you are among those who have visions and dreams and fantasies, you must have started walking with a chrysalis in mind, let it formulate into a caterpillar, and started running. But then, you lose the butterfly. You think it’s there around the corner, behind that hedge, across that river, hidden behind those trees. But anyway you go on, without a reason. Rather, you lose the reason. You go on, more so because everybody around you is going on. People tell you that “a winning horse doesn’t know why it runs, it runs because of pain. Life is a race, God is your rider. So if you are in pain, then think God wants you to win the race.” You run because you have to run.

And then all of you will stop someday. You have to. Maybe most of you will look at it as something you have to. But there’s a reason behind it. Life’s isn’t all about being ‘The Rat’ in the rat race. Life isn’t about being the cat either.

Something/someone always comes along at such dead ends. Be it a Coelho or an Ithaca or a Haley or a Hosseini, be it that cinemascope, be it a philosopher and guide you find in your friend, be it a spiritualist or a sage, be it that ever smiling ice-cream vendor passing you by every day, be it that drunk auto driver, be it your love who you never thought it could be.

‘cause standstill is when you actually stand still, when you actually pause to think, and then when you actually will do and act, when you actually go on into the desert holding the hand of the one you cherish the most.

Is it ?

Is it a pure anomaly that I still believe I can? Because I’ve seen people lose themselves when things don’t go their way. I’ve seen it with myself. I’ve seen it with countless souls.

Is it raw serendipity that I still believe I will? Because I’ve seen hungry minds wanting more and getting less. Because I’ve seen empty souls flatter themselves. Because I’ve seen good souls ending up with more than they could possibly get.

Is it verisimilitude? Or is it a fake impostor bringing himself out in me? Or is it ‘the me’?

Reasons of Me

I failed to see the reason, if only it was to let go after a downtown journey.

I reasoned to myself to realize I possessed something others don’t.

I gave myself enough room to live it up.

I am destined for a destiny I write of my own.

It gives a power to do and explore what I have inside.

I am what I am ‘cause

To be able to surrender is a curse I find less appealing than a boon to give up what you own.

Loveducation

You are gone.

I am left on probation.

You would stay awake.

I would lull you to sleep.

You would talk.

I would listen.

You would chatter.

I would patter.

You would sing.

I would compose.

You would dance.

I would match the steps.

You would run.

I would egg you on.

You would cross the road.

I would hold your shaking hands.

You would work.

I would wait.

You would laugh.

I would make it my only music.

You would cry.

I would take you in my arms.

You would make faces.

I would tease you.

You would shout.

I would be calm.

You would be silent.

I would scream.

You would love me.

I would love you.

And then, you were gone.

I looked around.

I found none.

I ran searching for your trails.

I encountered failures.

I was daunted.

But, I never gave up.

I had my obsession.

I had my dream.

But then you realize, dreams are just dreams after all.

The walls crashed.

And then came a time, when I stopped running after you.

I chased your shadows.

Black and Grey.

Never White.

Never Red, Ivory Blue.

I caught you many times.

But I could never hold on to you.

I ceased to follow.

I learnt to let go while holding on.

( Love is ) ...

Feeling blue

Too good to be true

Beautiful

Harsh

Eager

Hopeful

Yet, heart wrenching

Music

Noise

Stress

Pain

Everything when you can’t think of the gain

Dramatic

More of a melodrama

Faked by many

Yet, more real than reality.

Royal

Driving a Porsche on the highway

Steering an yacht on the waves

Flying seamless

Gliding translucence

A box of chocolates

Beef steak with chilled beer

Whiskey with tandoori kebabs

Chocolate mousse

Sleeping on the terrace on a starlit night

Watching the faraway twinkling lights of a hill-station

Chatting your heart out

Fagging till eternity

Walking on the railing holding the other's hand

A cup of Darjeeling tea

Cappuccino

Walking hand in hand

Sleeping in each other’s arms

Smiling when you’re supposed to apologize

Laughing when you’re asked to cry

Quarreling when you’re about to appease

Wearing that shirt everyday

Spraying that perfume

Being her rockstar

Being his Dutch dame

Red

Black

Something that you can’t crack

Her picture on your desktop

His mail starred in g-mail

Indispensable

Unrecognizable

Untouchable

Perfectly imperfect

Passionate

Impressively ignorant

Returning to roots

Giving in to insane demands

Being dil-logical

Being a loser for the world,

Being a winner for the One

The unfeeling kiss

The devil smirking within you

Trespassing

Tragic shadows of spring

That perched photograph

That souvenir of immoral love

Unfaithfulness

Faithfully due to yourself

The tranquil ambiance of the rainbow

Sacrifice of your dreams

Yielding while you’re strongest

Standing up at your weakest

Floating on heaven while it’s still there

Loving while it’s not …

Ripples on the water

It’s weird sometimes when you feel you have so much to do, and yet you do nothing, you just seem to have an inclination to go back in time. Not relive, but just looking back at who I was and how I was and how everything was. It’s probably the best form of educating you about yourself. The way you’ve grown to be somebody who you are now.

Today as I stand on the threshold of yet another big step towards my graduation, I realize there are so many things I could have done different, not necessarily better. The admission test where I had to write “Twinkle Twinkle little star” and a teacher helped me then. The elation when I was first appointed monitor in the first standard and then daily lock and key games subsequently. The absolute fun masti innocent home to school and back van journeys. Admission in a new school mid-term in the third standard and getting slowly used to Kolkata life. I remember the fun filled fights of fourth and fifth standard. Early exposure to words of love and sex in sixth and seventh standards used to make us friends so hush hush and keen alerted minds. Eighth and ninth standards were spent on getting exposed to national quizzing scenarios and first crushes and basically, ‘Growing Up’. Tenth standard was more of a fun filled journey. Barring the last day, one which is forever etched in memory, when so many friends were scattered from the everyday meet forever. Tears and hugs were never lacking. Eleventh standard was when I had the then biggest fall in my life. Betrayal from a best friend to losing friends to being basically lonely and realizing this whole thing the real hard way, indeed broke and wore me down. The silver lining was I had some new friends who really have stood by me ever since. Twelfth was when I once again stood up, trying to relive the last days in school. Some friends came back realizing their folly, all in all it was a embalming of sorts. The last day of school was essentially different from the one two years back. Before it even hit that there would be no waking up at 6.30 in the morning and running to catch the bus at 7.15 and rushing to manage the traffic as a badge holder and then managing the students as captain during the prayer and then attending classes, it was over. The last day during the investiture ceremony when I broke down on stage and the photo sessions to filling juniors’ slam books to getting 7 mindboggling proposals and then all of us classmates crying together with doors closed to finally dancing and singing it out that there would be no final farewells and hugs and kisses galore. And then not faring well in the boards and entrances to taking the real tough decision to reappear for entrances a second time against everyone’s wishes and then spending a fun filled year at Asutosh, making so many friends. That was when I realized I was and could be a really good person. And then getting into my first and only relationship till date, which was blissfully beautiful. And then getting admitted to JU. Alas good things don’t last! Everything going haywire. Losing the plot and break up taking its toll on me. Probably the lowest ebb in my life. A point of time when I really contemplated and attempted suicide and failed. Nothing went right. The only thing I had left was the faith on me. Nothing else existed. Except for a few friends who made it a point to bring me back.

Today, I’ll say I am much better. It could have been worse, maybe it could’ve better too. But with age comes a certain wisdom of knowing that experiences make and mould you into a better person. I have seen low points, lower than some, and better than some. But I’ve never regretted any bit of this. I have my detractors. I have my critics. My aim is not to silence them. ‘coz I also know I don’t need to do that and prove them wrong. I know myself best. And when the need arises, as and when, I’ll prove to myself. No one else. I have never withered in the face of a challenge. And I never will. Success does not always come to the one with the most victories. Happiness does not always come to the most successful. And it’s all in the mind. If you believe, anything is possible. When you’ve scraped the bottom of the ocean bed and come back to the top battered but alive you know you can. I can.

Inside Out

Some find solace in everything they do.
Some need motivation to do them.
Some wither under criticism.
Some flutter in witticism.
Some need you in their times of need.
Some need you in their times of deed.
Some shrivel under stares of trouble.
Some revel in the eyes of a storm.
Some wither when the lights too bright.
Some shine 'coz they have never seen darkness.
Some pump their fists in glory.
Some are sober in their times of victory.
Some bow to the almighty.
Some hold their head high, 'coz God is inside.
Some respect you by a salute.
Some stay silent and salute you inside.
Some are crushed under the call of duty.
Some emerge, scathed, with backs to the wall.
Some can bring the universe down to show they love you.
Some can dry a thousand tears inside on the outside to never let you know.
Some go down in history.
Some are history.
All make history.
All is incomplete, unless some and some unite.