Saturday, November 29, 2008

Selfishness must be forgiven ... there's no hope at all ... for a cure ...

Monday, November 24, 2008

The Trojan Warrior

Getting overtly dependent on technology has its pitfalls. For the last week or so, my pc has had a complete makeover of sorts only to see it flopping woefully time and time again. :((

It all started with my pen drive cum mp3 player getting overloaded with viruses and Trojans courtesy the machine in the store where I had gone for a few print-outs. I had never been to that shop earlier, had just come to know that prints cost a meagre Re1.50 there. Cheapness comes with a cost, as you and I see very clearly!

Starting from an initial machine crash to a formatting of my hard-drive at 12 in the night to reformatting it right uptil 5 in the morning and still getting no improvements, I had seen it all that day ! And on top of that my mp3 player lost all its settings and inbuilt software, and as if that wasn’t enough all the songs got deleted ,instead, being replaced by a “small” exe file of the same name ! then on loading new antivirus to machine crashing again, its been 1 helluva ride over the past few days. With me being immensely reliant on e-books for the upcoming semz(of which I hardly still know a thing!) I badly needed my pc to run properly, and just when I thought it was gonna be a smooth operation now, this mornig yet again it finally crashed. The usual process of new installations taking up virtually the whole day, my studies went for a wide outside the off-stump full toss !

Hats off to these guys who build and write these Trojan and virus codes! I used to have a pot-house of collection of these in my earlier get-up, used to threaten everybody with dire consequences of releasing them into their sytem if they pissed me off [ :P ] ! infact I had written a code much earlier, dunno what I’d call it, while writing a program in c++. And on running it the machine couldn’t restrain itself from restarting time and time again! So i am no innocent bartender either i guess! :P

Have been turned into a Trojan warrior for the past few days. Am pretty wounded and hurt after these tormentous battles on the battlefield [:P]! time to go and catch a nap maybe...

Till then … the battle continues…

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Faking it

Honesty is well on its way to death. All around I see fake. Its all an illusion.


I am pretty lonesome in thinking this way I guess. But experiences through life – recent and past have just strengthened my belief. A person behaves with another as if he is a bosom friend. Another treats a lover with ultimate sincerity. Yet another shows how benevolent he can be. All appeal to me as enormously respectable emotions. But somewhere down the line I realise , with utter shock and contempt, that I am wrong. In fact how utterly wrong can I be!


One person feels something in a certain way about something. He or she presents it to another person as something entirely else. And something totally different to someone somewhere else. Versions change, with situations, with persons, with contemptuous interactions. You might seem to be a so very much loved person all around until you discover, that horrible impressions and gossips have gone to great lengths about you. Again you yourself might present something in a certain fashion which is not entirely true and you are caught on the wrong foot, few people would own up to a mistake. Most would prefer to wind around the topic keeping on suggesting that he was right.


I appreciate those who speak their mind and who speak it aloud and true. Ruffles a few feathers, sure… but that integrity of the words do stand… I have always despised those who maintain such double standards, changing colours at the drop of a hat. But something I have believed, some vices are in-borne and some are developed with time… The from-birth ones cannot be changed, but something which I firmly believed that one could ,with high determination, change those qualities acquired with time and situations and re-convert them to better virtues, until now…somethings can never be changed…the main reason which I blame for this is the ability to fake it out. Ultimately with all the illusions which one provides to the world, the ultimate one who’s getting betrayed is the person itself. Days, months, years go by…belief’s are eroded…truths are converted into lies…and vice-versa…but in the end without being true to oneself, does one really win the game? And the big poser, does it even matter?


I dunno the answer but from all around the general feel I get is it does not really matter. The eternal cliched line, “life goes on”…betrayals..upheavals..lies..truths..facts..figures..honesty..integrity..sincerity..and all the abstracts abut life..nothing stays..they all get burnt out and buried..or they don’t? only death can answer that I guess…but my principles and faith, somehow there’s been a serious attack on them, unbelievingly everything seems so very fake at the moment…wish I could be faking it all..and faking it real hard…maybe the art of life itself is a fake …

Sunday, November 16, 2008

I wonder ...

As I sit inhaling the deep dark smoke of the tortoise coil burning incessantly for half an hour now, I wonder. I rest my forehead on my knees and I wonder. I close my eyes and I wonder.


How about starting off with the mosquito whose buzz doesn’t seem to become incoherent anymore , especially with the fall of night. I trap a blood-sucker and holding one of its wings ,albeit slenderly lest I hurt it too much, I hold it over the coil fumes. Note the irony! Maybe I’ve come to feel death hurts less than hurt itself. The ‘anopheles’ sniggers and smolders , I release it. Has it realized its just back from a holocaust? The bitter truth emboldened by its inability to authorize its way into the logic now defies the the truth itself. I stare wondering if I was in the mosquito’s place would I’ve felt the same as I’m doing now…


Suddenly I feel my wet palms outstreched. I wonder . Its not summertime out here. The eyes which seem to have been lost for tears have suddenly come alive. Maybe its just those redundant fears or that bitterness which one so often hears. Maybe its just those fumes after all…I wonder.


Keep having an identity crisis. I wonder. A mundane existence ,quite shattered by its non-existence. The daily ,uncrossed in its oath, moves on. Me, with niggles abound turn my head round and round. Seem to be going around in circles or ovals(rather). Sometimes I just stray too much into the realms of light. Trespass the perihelion. Burnt out by the incorrigible heat and blinded by the faith I am thrown off guard. And now I trespass the aphelion. Into darkness. A life of trespassing. Somehow belief fails to rear its head. I wonder.


My eyes arched into an unseen pose . I feel the dried cheek stretched out wipe it on my tee. I wonder. I had ideas. I had visions. I had dreams. I had hopes. I had fantasies. I had wishes. I had faith. I had belief. The last two are still there. Probably they keep me alive amidst the dead halo around me. I prefer to be mystic now. Not mysterious. Prefer to bottle up. Not shoot out. Prefer to live it. Not let it. Prefer to pierce it. Not curl around it. I wonder.


As I relight the coil distressed by the bite’n buzz I feel the nausea. Sometimes its heavenly. Sometimes its just so much to find a sure haven. Sometimes, well..I just wonder.


Forward to the old. The forehead placed strongly on my knee I wonder. I feel I wonder too much. Its my gift. Who’s the recipient of the gift? Me ? I wonder …


Make happy those who are near, and those who are far will come…I wonder …

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

DДSVIDДИIYД DADA , a brief obituary to His Cricketing Life ...


The inevitable finally happened. Dada as we fondly remember him put on the Indian white for the last time, donned the blue cap for the last time, and possessed the Indian dressing room as a TEAM INDIA player for the last time. The very last time. An eternally inevitably sadly and yet ecstasy-filled emotional moment…


Rewind to summer of ’96.  A youngster from kolkata with a tagline of having ‘attitude problems’ forced himself  or rather re-forced himself into the Indian squad for the tour of England. Cometh Lords. Rahul Dravid was supposed to make his debut not Sourav Ganguly. But as destiny played its part, as it did so very many times in the next 12 years, Sourav made his debut making a scintillating century sizzling with silken square cuts and off-drives. He had made his first mark in history  of cricket. Next match à trent bridge, yet another century. Sourav Ganguly had arrived.


I was a mere 8 year old then with a fanaticism of cricket boiling in my blood. Sourav made its way into my book-cricket and table-cricket leagues of India. Inevitably he created a place in my team, a special place. And soon he became captain of my own teams in those leagues and cups and championships of mine, much much before he became TEAM INDIA’S skipper.


Toronto’98: Sourav truly set the stage on fire. A hattrick…a couple of fifties…four consecutive man of the match awards, a world record even now…man of the series…scenes of Pakistan being mauled 4-1…memories of immense satisfaction for the billions of Indians…


Sourav had just gotten embellished in books…I became a fanatic fan of his…and when criticism of him started about his role in one-day cricket in the Indo-Australia one day triangular series…the steely resolve was born…not just in sourav but quite a bit in me too…as a fan…maybe it also had to do with us sharing our bengali antecedents,which was made such a big issue by a past great then…


England’99: Return to fond places for Sourav Ganguly…at Taunton, Sri Lanka got into a haze…Muralitharan’s figures read at a point of time 7-0-28-0…after he finished his spell his figures read 10-0-60-0…all due credit to Sourav Ganguly…rarely have I ever seen Murali getting punished and mauled in such a ruthless fashion…that 183,then the highest score by an Indian in ODI cricket remains one of the best of all time…I was left rooting for that elusive double century,sad it never came…


2000: Indian cricket rocked by the match fixing scandal. Only few left untarnished by the episode…the modern day greats- Sachin Sourav Dravid Kumble to name a few…out of the blue the captaincy of the Indian team was thrust into the hands of the relatively unknown captain with ‘an attitude problem’ … few had faith on the man barring the man himself…it signalled the start of the Golden era of india cricket…and whether you call it destiny or co-incidence or irony, it was on this very day – 11/10 that sourav, from then on DADA made his debut as indian captain or as he later made it out to be TEAM INDIA  captain...winning his debut test The PRINCE OF CALCUTTA gained the faith of few purists…as the Aussies tour of India inched closer thoughts began to be raised about India’s resistance to them…


February’01 : An acrimonious series…Australia had arrived under the astute leadership of Steve Waugh to capture the ‘Final Frontier’ … and extend their domination over the whole world…the first test in Mumbai witnessed just that…over to Eden Gardens,Kolkata…I was having my terminal exams then…the first 3 days totally belonged to Australia…India were thoroughly outplayed barring bhajji’s hattrick, first test hattrick by an Indian…at end of the third day’s play India in their second innings were 248/4 with Laxman and Dravid at the crease…next day after returning home after my exams … I saw with awe India didn’t lose a single wicket…India went on to win the test match and thereafter the series rewriting history records…singularly one of the most amazing turnarounds in history of sport and not just cricket…and the points which came out…Sourav’s leadership qualities…his ability to focus and believe and have faith on his boys…his backing of talent,showing bhajji the way to return to cricket when he had been discarded by the selectors earlier…his tactical acumen..and not to forget his ability to get under the skin of the oppostion as he did so (in)famously aginst Steve Waugh by various means including arriving late to the toss to coming out late to bat to tough mental talk to hard play on the field…it signalled the start of the Sourav or the Dada era in Indian cricket as a wholesome and forceful phenomena…and for the Aussies it just well remained the ‘Final Frontier’…


World Cup’2003: India began disastrously beating Holland narrowly and surrendering to the world champins meekly…and then which so very became famous and familiar with Dada..the turnaround and the comeback…India went on to win astonishing 8 matches on the trot reaching the title round having Sourav’s leadership,Sachin’s brilliance with the bat and Nehra Srinath Zak’s incisive bowling…sad the final turned out just the way an Indian didn’t want it to…but it once again enlarged and enhanced sourav’s growing repertoire as a player and a captain…and with emerged the now way too familiar and inspiring motivating INDIAN HUDDLE…


Australia’04: India touring down under with memories of having been whitewashed 3-0 last time round…Sourav set the tone in brisbane with a scintilating knock of 141,filled with brilliant shots and cuts and drives almost ferociously…it just set the rest of the series in tone and perspective…inspiring his boys as he liked to call them, India went on to win in Adelaide after a helluva time, then losing in Melbourne..but drawing the series 1-1..a huge achievement in terms of purely cricketing sense…India were finally recognised not just as home tigers and pet cats abroad but tigers abroad as well…


2004-05: it signalled the end of the Dada show…Greg Chappel, a past great appointed coach of the national side with special recommendation from Sourav Ganguly ‘plotted’ his downfall and with a rather (in)famous e-mail leak led to the sacking of Sourav as captain and subsequent dropping from the side inspite of scoring a century in the last test match he played then…before that his infamous stepping out for the Nagpur test against the Aussies led to immense backlash…widespread criticism of the move not withstanding Sourav was made to appear and reappear for trials in ranji trophy and other domestic tournaments to prove his mettle after playing a decade of top-flight international cricket and rather insulting his cricketing acumen and talent…the core fighter he was, he made the most astonishing comeback vindicating all the criticism of him being finished, his determination and mental toughness and never say die attitude now being part of the folklore…that singular innings of a fifty at the Wanderers on comeback and finishing top run-getter in that comeback series showcasing his intent and ability to win with his back to the wall inspires many, most notably me ;-) ;-)



Fast forward to the present…Sourav wrote his farewell,his final goodbye…maybe he wanted to carry on a bit…but he realised that it probably wasn’t to be that way…and once again showed why he is regarded as one of the greats of the game by stepping aside when he was still quite at the top, when he probably had a year or two of top-flight cricket left in him…he could never have dreamt of a better farewell than beating and truly demolishing the Aussies and as he rightly said, “ its worth saacrificing a year of cricket for such a finish.” Everyone and he himself,known to be a master at records and statistics, hoped to see one final flourish in his last test…the flourish was there but not the century…the century which would’va made him begin and end on a century’s note…famously he went one better than the great sir don bradman by getting dismissed in the first ball he faced…it went on to be the last ball he faced…

as he looked skyward on his way back to the pavilion for the last time ever as a Team India player one could probably make out his emotions or his numbness whichever it was…the very last time…a standing ovation…and on the last day after the fall of the 9th oz wicket when with one of the best gestures and mark of respect which will go down in history, Dhoni handed over the captaincy of TEAM INDIA to Dada , memories came flooding back…on this very day he had made his debut as skipper and on this very day he was appearing for the last time in India whites…an emotional smile suppressing the inner feel of captaining and skippering the side, leading the side…that familiar index finger pointing to the exact field-placing and that clap resounding with its natural leader…a true mark of respect to THE GREATEST TEST CAPTAIN INDIA HAS EVER HAD TILL DATE…


This man has never failed to motivate me with his rugged determination and fist-clenching will to fight to the core…THANKS DADA…THANKS FOR MAKING US INDIANS SO VERY PROUD OF YOU AND SETTING INDIA ON ITS PATH TO GLORY…not to forget all your antics including the shirt juggling one at lords, they just make us feel so very proud….


And your DADAGIRI…

 And quoting Dhoni as he very aptly said, “ We grew up watching these guys go out to the field and play and wear their hearts on their sleeves”. I’ll just add, “ we grew up in turbulent times as our fathers and their fathers do…but you provided us with not just entertainment but also with pride satisfaction and happiness of being an Indian and a proud follower of Indian cricket during these times…you all were our role models…we grew up aspiring to be just you and trying to imbibe your best in us…”


Dasvidaniya DADA…you live long in our hearts minds & souls…


Hope to see Dhoni carrying forward the legacy left behind…


The end and the beginning of an era…


Wednesday, November 05, 2008

When I Gave It All Up


Day shone.

Perfect alibi.

Past the dawn.

Repenting strife.

I arose.

I spread my wings.

Shattering flapping.

Succulent dreams.

Never to be caught napping.

I arose , further.

I reached the peak.

The tempestuous peak.

Scaling down the virgin walls.

I was atop.

Overseer, counting the infinite.

Light blinding me.

As I spread my effluent arms,

Welcome the immune tears.

Welcome the pursuit of happiness.

Welcome the damned curses.

Welcome the mist of calmness.

Welcome eternity.

Welcome .

And that’s when I dived headlong.

From above one and all.

Forbidden satisfaction.

I closed my eyes.

And that’s when I gave it all up.