The penultimate step

Deleted. After 8 months and 10 days of the dump.

I thought I was sleeping. Having my usual shot of nightmares. I checked up with the clock. It told me last night I slept 2.5 hours. A long time to have a dream, a nightmare. Almost every morning as I wake up, I find myself covered in sweat and the shirt sleeves wet. But this wasn't in sleep. It was real. It was true.

Almost all my nightmares have come true now. I have some duties to perform. I have some responsibilities to tend to. I have nothing else, fortunately.

And when I have lost everything, when the worst has been realized, when the last nail has been plugged with a sound tending to a finality, when I am dead without being dead, I realize why I cross the road running everyday and wait an extra half second in the middle of the road looking at the approaching automobile, why I try to plug my feet on a treacherous slope and slip and fall and have a chronic hurting back and never tell anyone about it, why I need something to sleep every night, why I walk on the outside of the pavement with a palm stretched backward,  why I am always faking and lying to everybody around me, why I am so impervious to every thing else and nothing affects me other than one person, why I sometimes call out a name in sleep, why I am perfecting the art of shutting down.

I have had a Dumbledoresque vision of Love being the real solution, of sticking it out, never dumping the other one. It wasn't insecurity, my dear. It was about being the only one. I am sorry I was wrong. It works in the magic realm, not the earthly communion.

Ruined inside. Cold outside.

The final step is due someday. Hopefully I will never have to write about it.

I was married. I don't have any papers.
I am divorced. I don't have the 'proof' for that either.
I would have, someday, been the father of your child.
I will not have my Arya. Maybe you will have yours.

Ar parchi na.
Ar parchi na ami.
Oi din er opekkhae boshe,
Jedin ar parbo na.

Jebhabe drishyo anek gilchhe amay roj,

Sebhabei aaral pele bhangchhi ami, hochchhi je nikhonj ||

Jekhane daak pathale mrito-deher bhire

Sekhane tulchhi chhobi, tolchhi neshaay, aaschhi abar phire ||

Ei bujhi phaskalo haat, aar kalo raat kore samay gelo ayojone,

Pratyekdin bhoy pawa sab ichchhe gulo anek jhorer shabdo shone  ||

Aaj seshmesh nei, tor keu nei, keu nei...

I want you to want me.
The way I want you.
The way it should be.

But then, it never is the way it should be.

You know your futile desperate position when you run out of matchsticks and end up lighting smokes from the butt of the previous one in the late night dark while getting wet from the gentle rain sitting on the stairs and suddenly realizing it is morning and you don't know how time passed you by while you were weeping by the red sky.

Waif in a limbo.

Confessions of a procrastinator

It has been a long time since I have written something of substance. Maybe, that is the best indicator of what I have become. A procrastinator.

I think this is something I will do and end up postponing it. I am stuck up in a job which gives me no time for myself. But with all my contradictory mind I get the feeling if I had early evenings home, I would have ended up wasting them. There is so much to do. I have, or (for the currently over lethargic me) had so many ideas. I don't follow up on them. I think of studying up for something which throws me into utter confusion about what to do with my career. I think of teaching the under privileged with the ever pugnacious thoughts of the forced-workaholic me working behind the scenes in the mind. I think of playing/practising the guitar with 'tomorrow' coming to the rescue of my un-acting self. I think everyday I will work on some fitness, go for a run early in the morning only to do it once and then forget it for the next 45 days and keep up the encouragement for my increasing bulge. Probably the only thing I actually end up doing the way I want to is talking to/with D.

Honestly, I pity myself for what I have become.

If I still don't act, all I will end up with is blaming myself and getting caught up in the blamegame with myself.

Buckle up buddy, before it is too late...

"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler"
 - Albert Einstein

" Himmat se jo koi chale,

  Dharti hile kadmo taley,

  Kya dooriyan kya faasle,

  Manzil lagey aake galey "