Pluck

I sat down trying to analyze what exactly went wrong. Initially it was the lack of dedication which rubbed me the wrong way. The depths made me understand I always had the dedication within me. The lack of motivation did me in. I can work hard. I can be very determined. I can achieve. But for all that I need a plethora of motivation.

I had been having a talk with D. She somehow makes me believe I am capable of much more. She somehow makes me think I can do things beyond the ordinary. I don’t know what spurs her to think this way but I believe in her.

D, I have lots to learn from you. Your hard work ethic, your dedication, your will. Somehow somewhere I have lost that down the tracks of age. I will rediscover all that. I will try to. All I need is you by my side. Always.

Nothing in the ordinary inspires me anymore. The common motivations fail for me. Maybe I get too idealistic at times, but I will try as much as I can to cling on to my principles.

I have the pluck to fight a losing battle. I can survive ordeal. I have the courage. I still lack the purpose. Once I get a whiff of that, I know who I can be.

I can make a difference.

You and hell

I try and stay awake only to find myself going into a haunted nightmare. I’m not sleeping. I can’t sleep. I won’t sleep. Everytime I go to bed the flashing image overtakes me, taking me into the depths of hell and beneath. I wake up everytime and find tears smudged. And then I find you.

New News

I keep pressing the red button on my cell, eagerly hoping to find the screen showing message(s) received or (a) missed call.

I have stopped smoking atleast for the next 15 days. I’m taking small steps at a time.

I wake up in the morning, check my cell, notice no new messages and go back to sleep. Alarm rings, I wake up again. If I don’t find a message I try going back to sleep unless the situation provokes me otherwise.

I have had a haircut.

My room has been littered with books and copies and notes and files for the past 3 days, since they have had to be shifted from the table, which I am presently using for completing the drawing sheets.

I have no work to do. The previous statement is an absolute misnomer right now.