Arms spread apart, not out of satisfaction. More of an inner apprehension. The far-away lights of a mall sparkle in the starlit horizon. Right atop the tank on the terrace of my building, I stand. The slight chill in the air so very soothes me. A sweatshirt isn’t enough to keep the cold at bay. And somehow it seems just so apt. The numbness just comes out. Disappointments galore. A sudden breeze shakes me. The shield seems broken. I feel so light. And so high. Wish I could fly away. Float and away. The ground stands six stories beneath me. Bending down forward, I notice it again. An innate urge to jump is overshadowed by a maturity. That’s not gonna be of any use. Anymore.
Rewind two years back. Things were so very different. And thank God they were. And that’s why am here today. Was such a fool. Was such an idealist. Was always thinking of the good, disregarding the bad, always rebuking the self for thinking of the worst. Reality bites. It gnashes. It burns. It tears apart. Nothing seems to be going right. A person usually improves with time. Am a modern Benjamin Button except that I don’t grow old with time. But I deteriorate. When I started college, was a 8 pointer. Have been stuttering along since. Got stuck up on being a 6 pointer now. And I have no intentions on stopping the downslide. Have I lost my brains? Has my level dropped? Have I lost my IQ? Don’t I have the capability to do it anymore? Frankly, I don’t know the answers.
I’ve gotten way too used to this. Now. The fall. A bad one. Ground beneath cracking up. Running hither forth for cover and haven to rest my burnt and ravaged soul. And then rising again. Except I don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel anymore. Days and months of patience is wearing off. It’s a dead end. And a feeling of not having attained the terminal velocity is stinging. It’s a free fall. I don’t have a parachute or a sheet of polymers over me to help me stem my velocity. And I feel, am gonna crash soon. The sun appeared closer, initially. Then clouds covered my view. Now the clouds have cleared. And I can see the horizon and the hell beneath. I am crashing. Crashing down. Straight into the heart of the soul-less. Am I coming back? Can I rise again? Or is the end? I have faith. I have hope. These two sensations don’t seem to ride off my back. But now, they are barely clutching on to me. Further and on, I’ll lose them too. And I won’t give up without a fight. I know that better than myself. The hard ground, I’m coming. I can see you. I know, I’ll be fractured and broken. But I won’t be dead. Here I am. I am almost there. And you better think how you are gonna cope up against me on a free fall …
amazing how u can pen dwn ur thoughts so aptly... such drk n deep thoughts....man! mesmefizing... loved this piece more than any of ur posts..dont kno xactly y...but absolutely loved it!!
ReplyDeleteNice...I dont even think I can comment on this except I felt a kind of free-falling rush back to college days and back to school. Just have no words to tell u what it felt like...but this was good!
ReplyDeletewinning horse doesnt know y it runs,it runs coz of pain.Life is a race,God is ur rider.so if u r in pain then think God wants u to win the race...
ReplyDeletei knew a better you. someone who cried over failure, but didn't despair. someone who believed in himself, and believed that good things might still happen. someone who now seems like a stranger from the past.
ReplyDeleteam not so sure i like this new you.
all i can say is, there's still time. and for all i say and do, you know i'll be there. always :)
Honestly, I like the post in its literature. But in thoughts, i think all the contrary, i get the feeling, i understand it all too well. But, I believe that these feelings should work as a launcher to shoot you upwards, and help you attain the escape velocity, let you escape from any other force except for the inherent you. Your post completely contradicts me. But i guess we cannot argue on this, its like, do these stairs go up or come down?
ReplyDeleteAnyways, terrific writing stills. But i just hope u start soaring heights rather than descending.