You are gone.
I am left on probation.
You would stay awake.
I would lull you to sleep.
You would talk.
I would listen.
You would chatter.
I would patter.
You would sing.
I would compose.
You would dance.
I would match the steps.
You would run.
I would egg you on.
You would cross the road.
I would hold your shaking hands.
You would work.
I would wait.
You would laugh.
I would make it my only music.
You would cry.
I would take you in my arms.
You would make faces.
I would tease you.
You would shout.
I would be calm.
You would be silent.
I would scream.
You would love me.
I would love you.
And then, you were gone.
I looked around.
I found none.
I ran searching for your trails.
I encountered failures.
I was daunted.
But, I never gave up.
I had my obsession.
I had my dream.
But then you realize, dreams are just dreams after all.
The walls crashed.
And then came a time, when I stopped running after you.
I chased your shadows.
Black and Grey.
Never White.
Never Red, Ivory Blue.
I caught you many times.
But I could never hold on to you.
I ceased to follow.
I learnt to let go while holding on.
It’s been a funny start to the year.
It’s been only 8 days old, and I’ve gotten drunk 3 times already. And as usual, I haven’t gotten high. So I am now shifting gears to beer ensuring a beer belly. Anyways I am not spilling over.
I tried my hand at designing chemical equipments. Strange how easy it seems, and how the designs seem to fail with weird logics. And how we’ve had to progress without any help from a ‘concerned’ teacher who has ‘forgotten to design’ because he last did it 10 years back.
I restarted CAT classes. Seems like it’s time to buck up. I need to START, and I mean literally and figuratively.
I’ve managed to bathe in cold (icy) water through the dipping temperatures.
I’ve been able to finally write my own college classes schedule in the diary. When I was a fresher, friends did it for me, when I got promoted, the new freshers’ were the honoraries.
I’ve had yummy chocolate cake prepared by MD. She brought it to college to treat us.
I hear that tomorrow’s a highly probable holiday only to find it was a rumour. Jyoti Basu is still alive.
I now come to know I won’t be able to sleep till 10 in the morning till maybe next weekend, ‘coz even the coming Sunday has a family ceremony in place.
I post on back to back days!
One of the infinite specks of dust
Arises,
Settles on the table.
I stare.
I keep staring.
Coldly.
Morbid translucence rears its head,
I dread.
A buzz quivers and stings.
I turn around,
Recover to rigidity.
I keep staring.
Coldly.
The clock strikes
I hear,
The chilly mist shakes me,
I shiver,
And yet I keep staring .
Coldly.
Darkness engulfs.
I tremble.
And I stare at it.
Longing to open…my eyes
When all I’ve been doing is…
Kept staring…
Coldly…
I’m lost.
I don’t feel like talking to people anymore. Or rather I run out of topics. Maybe people also don’t find much to talk with me.
I’ve become boring.
I’ve become unidimensional, unidirectional. I don’t believe one should do what everyone else is doing without thinking. I am not doing it either. But I’m running out of options for alternatives and my independent thoughts.
I have my focus, yet I am losing focus. And strangely it’s the lack of an objective where to focus on.
I am not being able to follow my head or my heart. I’m hanging somewhere in between.
I know what I can do. I know I don’t even have an inkling what all I can achieve. Yet, I’m strangely shunning it. I’m shunning myself from the world.
I have torn myself into a façade, yet sometimes I let my ‘self’ be looked through the looking glass by others.
I’m not in a negative mood. Trust me when I say that. I’m positive.
I’m too engrossed in thinking all I can’t do at times that I forget I can also do something.
It’s not an adolescent rant. I’m past it. It’s more of an adult child speaking where he’s suddenly lost himself, where he suddenly finds confusion and then sees the light. I’ve tried abeyance, it doesn’t help.
I know who I am. Few people do. My fault is I don’t know when to come out of the shell.
My life has been a journey of extremes. I’ve tried moderation. It doesn’t suit me.
Someone had said when I set out to do something, I do it with so much passion and fervour that I leave others far behind and fail to bring the rest to the same platform, and so the real objective fails. Yes, maybe you were right.
I’m not a loner. Yet I feel lonely most of the times now. And sometimes solitude is bliss.
I got dreams of my own which I share with none. I’d love to fulfil them. But then they require lots of heart. I haven’t been up to doing by the call of the heart in recent times.
I feel I’m a letdown at times, both to myself and others.
I used to be a joker at times. Even now I am one, albeit in a different way. I’d love to be one for life.
And yet I feel I’m lost …
“I’m not the one?”
“No, you’re not. “
“I tried.”
“I know.”
“I left nothing to chance.”
“ ’course you didn’t.”
“Then why not me?”
“Why would it be you?”
“Did I hurt you?”
“No.”
“Did I fail?”
“No.”
“Then I did succeed, didn’t I?”
“No.”
“But, why?”
“Nothing.”
“Look at me.”
“I have leukemia.”
Exams have an unique way of stirring your writing buds. I have been writing, thought I haven't been posting. I have been off the blogger circuit for quite a while now. Time is at a premium. Never thought I’d be led into attending so many classes in a single semester! And suddenly exams come staring. Somethings have changed within me. It’s not too recent. Been since the dehra trip and IIP experience. I finally believe I’ve got it in me to last the grind. I won’t be crushed.
I’ll be back soon. Till then Matchbox20 and Dolores O’Riordan rule the roost.
Ciao
